The Conflict Pivot: Turning Conflict into Peace of Mind

Have you ever read a book that made such an impression on you that you had to tell everyone, even if they had no interest in its subject matter?“The Conflict Pivot – Turning Conflict into Peace of Mind” by mediator Dr Tammy Lenski had this effect on me. It is a book I have re-read many times and continue to recommend to anyone who wishes to better manage conflict, either in their own lives or in the lives of others.The book provides a simple mechanism that can quickly and effectively transform conflict from a destructive to a productive process. Dr Lenski proposes a concept of pivoting to change the way in which we address difficult issues.This idea of a pivot I find very appealing. It suggests stopping, assessing the situation, determining the correct direction for you and transferring yourself from the old to the new. Dr Lenski suggests three pivots essential to dealing with conflict.They are easy to remember, important to evolving or stressful situations.While the book follows a logical format it is written in an engagingly narrative style. A short text (177 pages) its brevity enhances the effectiveness of Dr Lenski’s insights. A professional mediator for over 20 years and 2012 recipient of the ACR’s Mary Parker Follett Award, Dr Lenski has generously distilled what has worked for her into anecdotes and stories which never seem instructive. There are fables, stories and personal experiences of challenging situations which many can relate to and which are described honestly and entertainingly.This is the real treasure in this book - the openness of the author. Mediators experience conflict in their own lives the same as anyone and often fail to deal with it as a rational human being should. The author subjects her own conflict responses to the same level of scrutiny as she would anyone else’s (I would so love to meet “Bad Tammy”) reinforcing the naturalness of the conflict experience.The pivots work. I’ve used them myself and have helped others discover their value.

Tammy Lenski has counseled persons in conflict for 20 years, she teaches conflict resolution to graduate students and has written and lectured about this topic.In this book about dealing with conflict she provides suggestions that are simple enough for us to remember when we need them and which we can follow without being dependent on the cooperation of other people.She introduces her readers to three “pivots,” three ways in which we can turn away from the paralysis of conflict to the freedom of pursuing our own goals.Persons in conflict usually tell stories that put the blame for the conflict squarely on the other person(s). Performing the first pivot, we turn away from those stories, which experience shows to be quite unreliable, to a clear-eyed description of what the conflict is about. In the second pivot we ask ourselves about our vulnerabilities which, Lenski says, “hook us” so that we are unable to move on. We gain self-knowledge about our own fears and insecurities. With the third pivot, finally, we move on to ask ourselves what we want most for our future once we have let go of the blaming stories and have come to understand their power over us.The three pivots are simple enough. But making those turns is, of course, challenging. Lenski insists on this. She does not want the reader to think that the three pivots will be easily applied and leave us happy ever after. Not at all. Performing the three pivots takes work; it takes practice. It takes a willingness to learn and to change.The bulk of the book explains possible difficulties and complications in applying the three pivots by telling many different stories from her conflict coaching practice, her teaching, and her own life.The suggestions she makes are often insightful and may well be helpful to those who read her explanations thoughtfully.There are few people in this world who could not profit in some way from reading this book.

Tammy Lenski’s book is a winner. The things that make this book special are:One, the author’s authenticity comes out on her blog and her book. For those of us that loved highly watched Brené Brown’s TED talk on vulnerability will appreciated Tammy’s vulnerable use of her own conflicts to illustrate the applications of her material.Two, it’s sort of a “pay it forward” book. For a brief moment just after it was released The Conflict Pivot: Turning Conflict into Peace of Mind was given out free on Kindle. I informed a bunch of friends who were on all sides of conflict. Once you read it you have easy-to-memorize ways to reframe your interpersonal conflicts and make progress with them without moving the other party. Chapter 3, Pivot Away from Your Stuck Story, is worth the book. It illustrates why even people of integrity should not trust their own grievance narratives. Let’s get that message out.Three, the material thoroughly resonates with my experience as an organizational health consultant and conflict specialist. I have navigated two and multiparty conflicts in multisite and cross cultural settings and the Conflict Pivot is now on my short list for recommended reading to clients before I get onsite.I could go on. The world might be better off if a bunch of us all bought an extra copy to give out that must be read and given forward to someone in a conflict, who then sends it on to someone else … you get the drift. Buy two. One for paying forward.BTW, I have never talked with Tammy. I had hoped to have her as a professor in my Conflict Mgmt. grad program but missed the chance.Steve Staten

Have you ever read a book that made such an impression on you that you had to tell everyone, even if they had no interest in its subject matter?“The Conflict Pivot – Turning Conflict into Peace of Mind” by mediator Dr Tammy Lenski had this effect on me. It is a book I have re-read many times and continue to recommend to anyone who wishes to better manage conflict, either in their own lives or in the lives of others.The book provides a simple mechanism that can quickly and effectively transform conflict from a destructive to a productive process. Dr Lenski proposes a concept of pivoting to change the way in which we address difficult issues.This idea of a pivot I find very appealing. It suggests stopping, assessing the situation, determining the correct direction for you and transferring yourself from the old to the new. Dr Lenski suggests three pivots essential to dealing with conflict.They are easy to remember, important to evolving or stressful situations.While the book follows a logical format it is written in an engagingly narrative style. A short text (177 pages) its brevity enhances the effectiveness of Dr Lenski’s insights. A professional mediator for over 20 years and 2012 recipient of the ACR’s Mary Parker Follett Award, Dr Lenski has generously distilled what has worked for her into anecdotes and stories which never seem instructive. There are fables, stories and personal experiences of challenging situations which many can relate to and which are described honestly and entertainingly.This is the real treasure in this book - the openness of the author. Mediators experience conflict in their own lives the same as anyone and often fail to deal with it as a rational human being should. The author subjects her own conflict responses to the same level of scrutiny as she would anyone else’s (I would so love to meet “Bad Tammy”) reinforcing the naturalness of the conflict experience.The pivots work. I’ve used them myself and have helped others discover their value.

This is essential recommended reading for anyone involved with managing conflicts professionally or personally.Very insightful and inspiring. Beings together a lot of research into a concise and memorable structure.Ought to be followed up with NVC (by Marshall Rosenberg) though.

The book was recommended to me by a fellow-mediator and I bought it immediately. Tammy very cleverly takes you through how conflicts effect people. The answer is that conflicts effect people individually! How you react to something is decided by you and therefore you have the power to solve it yourself independently of the other party. She coaches you to consider the various "hooks" that cause conflict to start with and with the benefit of being able to recognise what pushes your buttons you are much better able to pivot away to a calmer better place.A good and thought-provoking book that is a useful arrow in the quiver of any mediator

This shows profound knowledge of the dynamics of conflict and one of the very few books that is clearly written from years of practise and reflection. Top of any reading list for the better understanding or study of interpersonal communications.

a must read for anyone who manages conflict daily.