Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

I was slightly put off when I realized the foreward was written by Eve Rickert, co-author of More Than Two. More Than Two's other author has come under a lot of criticism by his former partners and the nonmonogamous (NM) world in general for his abusive practices. I have not (yet) read More Than Two for this reason and I was hesitant to continue to read Polysecure when I saw Eve's name in conjunction with it - BUT! But but. She states in the foreward that she is aware of the harm that More Than Two has caused, and indeed she wrote quite a lengthy blog post about it that you can read here. For further perspective on the More Than Two saga scandal, I recommend reading this post from Polyamory for Us.Polysecure is based on the attachment theory of relationships, which has become extremely popular on social media and in mainstream media over the past few years. As with any concept that gains widespread popularity there is now a lot of misinformation and misuse or misapplication of information surrounding it, which leads some people to want to throw out the concept altogether. Fern does an excellent job of relating the concepts of the theory in layman's terms and also of reminding the reader that it is just a theory. She also emphasizes that just because a person may have tendencies to one or other of the attachment styles, that does not mean that we should take on that style as part of our identity but that the categories and labels are simply tools to help us understand ourselves and our partners, and to help us on our growth journey to self discovery. It's also important to note that the book also gives recommendations and advice in good faith - that is, the assumption is made that all the people involved in a relationship are operating with the best interest of everyone else in mind, and are not engaging in toxic or abusive behaviors. This is not the book for working with a narcissist, for example. Mental health struggles are also not really addressed. So again there is an assumption of ability here, which is to some extent warranted. Mental health problems are not an excuse of a get-out-of-jail free card to be unethical in our relationship behaviors, but they do sometimes limit what people are capable of dealing with and the amount of energy they have to put into and navigate relationships. What is worth sticking out and working through for one person may not be for another, for a myriad of reasons.I'm going to break it down by chapters - there is so much information here and I think that sometimes people will be coming to the book looking for something more specific than what the chapter headers can tell them. Also I realize that sometimes when relationships are under duress, we simply don't have the mental and emotional bandwidth to read through the entirety of a book like this one, no matter how accessibly written! So here we go. I'm including a quote that I found particularly good at the end of each chapter section.Part 1 - the why and whereforeChapter 1Buckle up - this is the longest chapter in the book, and it can feel like a total slog at times. Especially if you're not particularly interested in the psychology behind attachment theory! BUT. Please, please take the time and put in the effort to read this chapter, even if you skip chapters 2 and 3. It is worth it, and in my opinion is essential to understanding why later courses of action are recommended. It discusses all the different styles of attachment, and includes some checklists and questions to help you discover which one you might lean towards. There is also some substantial discussion on the origin of attachment theory and why despite obvious differences between the child/caregiver (the original attachment theory) and adult/adult relationships, many of the concepts are still applicable. An overview of each of the four styles (secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized) is given, with a short list of common ways they present as well as scenarios that could have prompted the development of them."We learn to self-regulate through our connections with our attachment figures...we have to figure out how to identify and articulate our emotional states and then find ways to self-soothe as a healthy response instead of pulling away, shutting down or lashing out in emotional reactivity. We also need to learn how to healthily rely on others and to figure out when it's appropriate to seek support from them to help regulate our emotions."Chapter 2This chapter gives us a slightly alternate way of looking at the different attachment styles, in a dimensional format using the two dimensions of attachment avoidance and attachment anxiety. If you are short on time and energy, you could skip this chapter without losing a whole lot - but, this way of viewing the styles might resonate much more with many people, since it places us on more of a spectrum than a checklist. YMMV."Our boundaries are the ways we protect ourselves physically, mentally and emotionally. They are how we establish our sovereignty, as well as how we open ourselves to others. Our boundaries are the meeting point between ourselves and another - the point at which we can be both separate and connected."Chapter 3Another chapter with more and deeper ways of looking at and using attachment theory in our lives. Fern refers to this as the "nested model," and builds the layers of attachment starting with ourselves, our relationships with others, our home, our local communities and culture, our society, and finally the global or collective connection. Again, this chapter could be skipped but it is well worth reading if you can spare the time and attention."What happens when the same societal structures that grant men superiority also deny them the full range of human emotions and threaten their status as men if they experience even the slightest form of sensitivity, vulnerability or indication of their needs for love, emotional safety and tenderness (basically, if men admit to having any attachment needs at all)?"Part 2 - special considerations in nonmonogamyChapter 4Obviously, if you're reading this book you have at least a slight bit of familiarity with non-monogamy in one form or another. This chapter gives a very brief introduction to the concept overall, and is a decent crash course in many of the terms often used in modern Western applications of nonmonogamy (which, by the way, is not a new construct), and discusses some of the more common reasons people choose to approach their relationships in this style. Fern goes back to a quadrant type model to describe the various ways of practicing nonmonogamy (NM), which again allows us to find ourselves on a spectrum. Hierarchical vs nonhierarchical practices (and the ethics of those) are discussed, the differences between polyamory and swinging, along with many other ways of being nonmonogamous. Defining these terms is extremely important for following the rest of the book, so definitely don't skip this chapter!"Love is not possessive or a finite resource; it is normal to be attracted to more than one person at the same time; there are multiple ways to practice love, sexual and intimate relationships; and jealousy is not something to be avoided or feared, but something that can be informative and worked through."Chapter 5This is the shortest chapter in the book, but contains one of the best quotes! The start of the chapter describes how actual studies on NM and attachment are severely lacking, and discusses the limitations of the studies that we do have. It then goes into some common current practices of mainstream therapists when dealing with people who have chosen to be ethically nonmonogamous - many of which are decidedly unethical to one or other partner."...relying too much on the structure of the relationship to ensure and safeguard secure attachment instead of the quality of relating between partners to forge secure attachment. When we rely on the structure of our relationship, whether that is through being monogamous with someone or practicing hierarchical forms of CNM [consensual nonmonogamy], we run the risk of forgetting that secure attachment is an embodied expression built upon how we consistently respond and attune to each other, not something that gets created through structure and hierarchy. Secure attachment is created through the quality of experience we have with our partners, not through the notion or the fact of either being married or being a primary partner."Chapter 6The importance of attachment within NM relationships is the focus of this chapter, and Fern discusses in detail how having multiple partners, no matter the level of involvement with them, can intensify any problems or issues that occur within us when we are within monogamous relationships. Frequently, NM or polyamorous relationships act as a magnifying glass to our own insecurities. This isn't put forward as a reason to not be NM, but rather as a call to use those times of intense feelings as a tool for introspection, growth, and healing. Fern reiterates that the goal IS to be secure, even "polysecure," and that no matter what attachment style type we exhibit most naturally as a result of our past experiences, we CAN learn to be secure. She also addresses one of the most common scenarios within NM, that of an already established couple "opening up" and the problems and struggles most frequent in that situation."Monogamy can buffer us from our own personal insecurities. These may or may not be attachment based, but can be rooted in relational or cultural traumas and anxieties about our achievements, looks, intellectual abilities, likability, etc. When we commit to a longterm monogamous partnership or get married, these insecurities may still show up now and again, but many of them get eclipsed by the very fact that we have someone who has devoted themselves to us, someone who we think will love us and stay with us no matter how pimply our butt gets, no matter how much our body changes or no matter how stained and worn-out our underwear becomes. In such cases our self-esteem and sense of self-worth are contingent upon our partner being monogamously committed to us instead of anchored in our own internal sense of self-worth, self-love and self esteem."Part 3 - how to applyChapter 7Finally, we're diving into some of the action-based application of everything that's come before this point. Fern starts off by broaching the idea that not every partner has to be an attachment-based partner (which will resonate a lot with people who choose to have more casual relationships oriented around one or two common things, or sex), and that being one should be a conscious, discussed choice between the people involved. She talks about ways in which commitment can be expressed outside of the typical monogamous framework and relationship trajectory (also known as the relationship escalator). There is a huge emphasis put on how much communication factors into the security experienced inside relationships - or the lack thereof."Our attachment figures might be the people we feel levels of connection, compatibility or intensity with right from the start for reasons that we just can't explain, or they may be the people with whom our romantic attachments have organically grown in potency and depth over time."Chapter 8Fern introduces an system she has come up with to help people in polyamorous relationships cultivate healthy attachment both with themselves, each other, and others outside, using the acronym HEARTS, standing for Here (being present), Expressed delight, Attunement, Rituals and routines, Turning towards after conflict, and Secure attachment with self. She delves into the first five of these in depth, with commentary and specific suggestions on how to encourage the growth of security within each. This is probably the chapter most people will want to turn to if they are looking for something to DO, and quickly, to try to help either themselves or a partner. Situations specific to NM are discussed, like when a partner is leaving or coming back from seeing another partner, and the fear and pain this can occasion in other partners."Repair attempts are much more successful when there is a pre-existing relationship culture of understanding each other, expressing gratitude and regularly doing nice things for each other, which supports the relationship in being better able to withstand the inevitable storms."Chapter 9The "S" in HEARTS is the sole focus of this chapter, and how to apply the previous five concepts to oneself. The idea of "earned secure attachment" is discussed in depth, which is basically the process of learning how to give ourselves the security that we might have lacked either as a child or in earlier romantic relationships. Fern also talks about managing triggers and taking responsibility for them, something that many trauma survivors (myself included) struggle with, as it can be difficult to find the balance between asking for help and taking that personal responsibility."You are the source of your happiness, love, courage, emotional regulation and purpose, and the sooner you can release your partner from being the source of these experiences the better for everyone involved (metamours included)...You must be a priority in your own life. Secure attachment with yourself means being aware of your feelings and desires, as well as being able to tend to your own needs and knowing how to advocate for them in relationships."Chapter 10Final words here - along with some commonly asked questions. The question of "how many partners can I have" is one that you will have heard if you've spent any time at all in NM/polyamorous circles, and here it is discussed as not a limitation of love, but one of time and energy and resources. One of the biggest takeaways I had personally from this chapter was the discussion of "taking a break" with one or more partners, to focus on another relationship that is either struggling or under duress of some kind. Fern breaks down several scenarios that often occur when people try to implement this idea, and includes some suggestions for how to make it more fair and ethical to all parties involved - while she cautions against the idea in general. She includes some written material from people who have been through this particular situation for one reason or another, and the additional perspective is definitely helpful."Love is infinite, but time and resources are not."Overall, I cannot recommend this book highly enough to anyone remotely curious about nonmonogamy and how it works (or CAN work) in our world.

This is an excellent book. Fern writes lucidly, with carefully researched findings, a great degree of honesty regarding the challenges of polyamory, and a strong awareness of her subjects' humanity. With its thorough but non-technical explanation of attachment theory, the book should be of great use to anyone, whether or not they're exploring polyamory.That said, the book will be especially helpful for those, like myself, who are polyamorous. I greatly appreciate how Fern acknowledges and incorporates our human frailties and challenges into the path of secure polyamory. She establishes a firm explanatory foundation with the use of attachment theory, and then does an excellent job of applying that theory to the challenges that she's experienced and has seen in her clients. The last third of the book is an extremely useful set of chapters on actual practices that can strengthen polyamorous relationships. All throughout, the writing is clear, engaging, and thoughtful.

The concept of attachment explored on this work is just as valuable for monogamy as it is for ethical nonmonogamy. The book has value for everyone and also provides a strong foundation for exploring the self and multiple other types of relationships. It also does so in a positive and embracing manner for LGBTQ+ folks as well.Actionable advice, cited opinions, and considerate language abound. Just know this it written by a clinician, so it can be quite dry at times and contains some jargon.

GREAT BOOK. OPENED UP MY EYES TO A WHOLE NEW WORLD. TY

If you've ever wondered what the world would be like if people were allowed to step out of the confining roles thrust upon them as monogamous couples, this is the book for you. Fern's work on Consensual Non Monogamy (CNM) is not only compelling reading, it tackles perhaps "the last social taboo" in a way that is firmly grounded in both theory and practice. It is difficult to see this book NOT becoming required reading for laypeople, social scientists and therapists alike going forward. Fern opens the work with a comprehensive overview of Attachment Theory which, despite its complicated nature, never FEELS complicated to the reader and provides the framework for the latter half of the book which renders an engaging praxis filled with anecdotes, illustrations and other tools for the reader interested in the hows and whys of CNM. Polysecure is a unique contribution to our understanding of human wants and needs as well as a solid and long overdue critique of how society has failed to evolve in its model of what a fulfilling human relationship landscape should or could look like. As with Reich's The Sexual Revolution, one comes away from this book with a better understanding of both society and self, couched in a stylish, sometimes humorous, always fascinating read. If you believe in monogamy, read it to challenge that view. If you are leaning towards CNM, read it to see the possibilities for happiness and personal growth that such a state affords. If you are already non-monogamous, read it for its invaluable advice. In all of those situations, this book could be life-changing for you.

Very interesting, well written , easy to understand

Porque agimos como agimos num determinado relacionamento? O que é apego? Como construimos nosso estilo de apego? A autora faz um excelente trabalho respondendo a essas e outras questões importantes para nos conhecermos e nos relacionarmos melhor seja com uma ou mais parcerias e ,sobretudo, com nós mesmos. Um pequeno tesouro! Vale muito a pena!

Schon viel von gehört und sehr zu empfehlen, wenn man in diese Welt Einblicken möchte.

Jessica writes from her heart and her own experience and it is just so good to read a book like this full of honesty and sincerity.I love the method Hearts and all the understanding I gain from what I lived and how I can realistically create new great relationships. Thank you Jessica