Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter

Forget going into this movie with any expectations of plot, taste, or anything making sense. It's not gonna happen and that, my fellow movie reviewers, is the point. Nothing in this send-up of 60s and 70s exploitation movies is supposed to have any elements like plot, good dialog, good acting, and so on. Once you understand this, what you end up doing is spending about eighty-seven minutes having fun with the cast and crew as they share with you one of the dumbest films ever to be put to celluloid.Shot on 16mm in Ottawa, Canada, "Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter" opens with none other than Rasputin himself (who somehow survived his own murder and moved to Canada to become an evangelist) emerging from some unkempt shrubbery to warn us of the evil permeating the house behind it and of the horrible events that took place there. That might be a better warning if any of the subsequent action had actually taken place inside, but it doesn't. Like I said, forget about anything in this movie making a lick of sense.What there is of a plot breaks down thus: Ottawa is plagued by vampires, and the church is powerless to do anything about it, so it dispatches a pair of priests (one of whom is a converted punk rocker, complete with red mohawk) to track down Jesus Christ, who has apparently returned to baptize people and bring the Second Coming in his own humble way. But the vampires have found the Saviour and after a silly fight dispatch the priests before losing two of their own to the blessed lake water. Jesus then goes for a shave and a haircut, emerging to lead an inexplicable musical number before getting himself a room courtesy of the church and going out to gather firewood. He is attacked by more than thirty atheists in a clown jeep -- it must be, because all but the first two come out of it to do battle with the Son of Man -- and he uses what is probably the worst Kung Fu moves ever devised to dispatch them all. Then is is greeted in his hotel room by the beautiful and flirtatious Mary Magnum, played by Maria Moulton, and after a brief tussle she takes him to a thrift store for some new duds. While Jesus tries on various gear from the 1970s, Mary is picking out bizarre collectible salt and pepper shakers. But oh noez! The head female vampire, Maxine Schreck, walks in to chat with the register jockey, indicating that no one in Ottawa is to be trusted! After some more silliness, Jesus and Mary confront Maxine and her vampiric boyfriend, Johnny Golgotha, on the roof after they murder the residents of a halfway house for lesbians and after tracking them to a maniacal plastic surgeon who helps the vampires walk in the daylight by grafting the skins of lesbians onto their bodies. Alas, poor flirtatious Mary succumbs to the dubious wiles of Maxine and Jesus gets his ass kicked big time. Wandering around in a beaten daze, our Saviour is rescued by a kindly transvestite and nursed back to health. He receives some words of wisdom from God Almighty via a bowl of cherry-topped ice cream to team up with Mexican wrestler El Santos, who arrives by private airplane with his assistant, Gloria Oddbottom, otherwise known as She of the Insanely Huge and Grabbable Ass (which no one can resist grabbing). The trio wipe out a lounge club full of vampires, but Santos and Gloria are knocked out by the head vampires, forcing Jesus to surrender to save his friends. Taken to a junk yard, Jesus is chained between two cars, where he is to be ripped apart. Adding insult to injury is the betrayal of Father Eustace, who has joined the undead, and the attack of a vampirized Mary on a dirt bike. But no one can keep the Son of Man down! He fights back, kicks ass, takes names, and teaches the naughty Father Eustace why it's a bad idea to stake Jesus. Did I mention that at the same time Jesus is shown on TV by local reporters battling the Forces of Evil, he shows up at the hideout of the astounded plastic surgeon to open up a few cans of whup-ass? (Jesus to the bewildered Dr. Praetorius through clenched teeth: "I'm everywhere!") No? Well, I just did. So there. In the end, everyone who survives ends up happy and not vampires, and that my friends is the end of our story.The thing to remember is not to even try to take this movie seriously. It wasn't meant to be serious. It was, however, meant to be an exercise in good fun by way of ripping on every exploitation film ever made, on a shoestring budget ($40,000 by some accounts, $100,000 by others), and with the cheesiest effects the budget would allow. The movie was also shot on 16mm, lending an older look and feel to the 2001 cheese fest. The soundtrack is catchy, and the humor is abundant. Phil Caracas, who plays the title role, also starred in the late-90s Kung Fu spoof series "Harry Knuckles", also directed by Lee Demarbre and co-written by Ian Driscoll. And the soundtrack is absolutely hilarious. The theme song's catchiest line is, "It's all good; it's all right; everybody gets laid tonight!" Comedic gold here. The whole thing is as cheesy as "Manos: The Hands of Fate" but with none of the vomit-inducing stupidity of that piece of cinematic refuse -- it has, in fact, an entirely different form of stupidity all its own. And it never pretends otherwise, which is largely why I like this movie.

Punish your friends and relatives with a movie so bad that it transcends bad to become good. Every single thing about this movie is ridiculous from start to finish. The acting is terrible. The audio is terrible. The music is terrible. The screenplay is terrible. Not Manos terrible but damn close.A+

Possibly the worst movie I've ever seen, which made it an amazing movie to watch with friends.

For a review of the movie, read the other comments. I just want to share that this movie has a lot of heart. I can see a bunch of friends having a good time filming this movie.The fight choreographs are very good. A little slow on the middle, but a good time, no alcohol required (Jeremy Jans TM)

If you are into the classics like VelociPastor, Rubber, The Couch, and the ever-entertaining, although somewhat elusive Llamageddon you will absolutely love Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. The vampires are expertly portrayed as deranged Lesbians, hell-bent on destroying mankind. Jesus, in His infinite love for all, comes down to kick their butts but because He so loved the world offers them a chance at salvation. The Atheists on the other hand cannot pull away from their non-belief and pay dearly. In the end, retired wrestling champion Santos comes to JC's aid and is rewarded paradise for his faith.At times I found myself weeping, grasping at my own humility as the acting was that powerful. Scene after scene, each one greater than the last gripped me to the edge of my seat. Powerful deliveries the characters were flawless. I might be tempting fate itself but in my opinion, this movie has been divinely inspired like that of the bible itself.

Showed this to my Christian mom and she loved it so much, she threw me out the window with a Bible and told me to read it! Highly recommend! 🥰💅🏻

At first glance you have to admit that the concept of this movie is hilarious. Jesus Christ? Fighting vampires? With mexican wrestler El Santos? Defending lesbians? It really does sound great. However, the key to enjoying this movie is not expecting too much from it. It was cheesy on purpose and they pulled it off pretty well. Once you get past a somewhat slow beginning (and a somewhat poor audio and video quality)and into the fighting scenes that's when the real fun begins. The park fighting scene and especially the junkyard fighting scenes are both horrible. In that it's so horrible it's funny kind of way. The acting isn't very good but once again as long as you don't take it seriously it only adds to the humor of the movie.Also make sure to watch this movie with a group of people. As with any bad movie it's always more fun to watch it with a group of friends. Heckling and even laughing is always better with others. This movie never takes itself seriously so, don't take it seriously. Laugh at the bad acting, laugh at the errors and laugh at the bad fight scenes. Just laugh, you'll enjoy it. Don't pick it apart, unless you intend to well... hmm... what was it? Oh yeah, laugh about it. If there's one thing that'll stay in your head it's the song "Everbody gets laid tonight". God, that song is catchy. Pun intended.

Happy

I love bad movies and in this I definitely got a bad movie, top of my list of truly bad movies well allmost!

This movie was done on an incredibly low budget (something like 100 - 200k Canadian) but is one of the funniest movies I have ever seen and was laughing throughout most of the film (some intentional, some not). This is a movie I can watch again and still laugh just as hard as the first time, for the right price this is a great pickup.

It is pure outrageous fun from start to finish! Lee shoots his movies locally in Ottawa, Ontario in local businesses with local residents. You are guaranteed a great experience with all his movies including the soon to be released “Enter the Drag Dragon” (I’m actually in this one).Do yourself a favour and have a fun movie night and watch this cult classic. You won’t be disappointed!

Definitely not the best movie ever made but I enjoyed it. How are lesbians faring in Ottawa these days?